


Unaware I'm Tearing You Asunder

by Ninyaaaaaaah



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Blood, I'm not sorry about this btw, Lams - Freeform, M/M, Modern AU, Self Harm, Suicide, Why Did I Write This?, don't read it it's sad, major character deaths, what even is this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-13
Updated: 2017-11-13
Packaged: 2019-02-01 23:50:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12715389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ninyaaaaaaah/pseuds/Ninyaaaaaaah
Summary: "If I only could make a deal with God, I'd get him to swap our places" - Placebo, Running Up That Hill





	Unaware I'm Tearing You Asunder

**Author's Note:**

> Please read the tags.
> 
> Title and summary from "Running Up That Hill" by Placebo, which is the song that inspired... this...
> 
> whatever this is.

_In another time, another place, Alex falls on his knees on the cold tile of a bathroom floor and he screams into his shaking, impotent hands._

_The tears won’t come and it hurts._

_His heart feels stuck in his throat and it hurts._

_John is gone, and it hurts._

~

In this time, in this place, John stands at the side of the road and stares at black tire marks on gray asphalt.

~

_In another time, in another place, Alex answers the phone with shaking hands and listens to John’s sister choke back sobs as she tells him what happened._

_John with his mouth around the barrel of a gun._

_Alex wonders if John’s cheeks hollowed around it like they do around his cock, and then he drops the phone and he can’t think about anything at all except for how beautiful he must have looked for a half second before he pulled the trigger._

_He always was too brave for his own good._

~

In this time, in this place, John is amazed that no one else is standing still and staring too. He’s amazed at how something so life shattering can look so innocuous. 

He’s amazed at how the ground doesn’t look somehow different here, how the earth doesn’t seem to care that someone breathed out and never breathed in again here.

~

_In another time, in another place, Alex doesn’t attend the funeral and he doesn’t go to John’s apartment to take home anything of his to remember him by._

_Why would he, when he has the memory of the taste of John’s tongue in his mouth?_

_Why would he, when nothing would compare to the sight of John splayed naked beneath him, morning sun picking out every freckle, telltale flush of desire on his cheeks and chest._

~

In this time, in this place, John traces his fingers over the soft petal of an orange rose, a sad lonely bouquet that someone else - Eliza, probably - left here. Too much, not enough.

In this time, in this place, John chokes on a howl of anguish, and doesn’t know how to breathe.

~

_In another time, in another place, Alex doesn’t know how to breathe._

_Alex doesn’t know what to do with his shaking hands that will never touch John again._

_Alex doesn’t know what to do with his mouth that will never kiss John again._

_Alex doesn’t know what to do with this pain that is too sharp to hold in his bare hands and too big to swallow, so he sits next to it on the bathroom floor and he stares at his shaking, empty hands and wishes he still knew how to cry._

~

In this time, in this place, John feels nothing but empty.

~

_In another time, in another place, Alex finally breaks down into sobs that hurt his chest, and he thinks to himself over and over and over again;_

_“I’d take your place if I could, I’d take your place if I could, I’d take your place if I could,”_

~

In this time, in this place, the startling bright red on John’s freckled skin feels like deja vu. 

In this time, in this place, John wears pain on the outside because it doesn’t fit under his ribs anymore.

In this time, in this place, John’s hands shake and drip wet with want of Alex.

~

_In another time, in another place, John leaves Alex behind with a mouthful of guilt, a heart that doesn’t beat quite right, and the sense that none of this is ever really over._

~

In this time, in this place, Alex leaves John behind with his hands full of pain, a tongue heavy with Alex’s name, and the sense that he’s somehow been here before.


End file.
